I am the cat that got killed by curiosity and most certainly, the one brought back by satisfaction. And so, I find myself on the motorway with an entire 400km ahead of me. The idea neither overwhelms nor does it seem eternal. This surprises me given that the idea of sitting still for the duration of a movie usually sends me into a tiny bit of an inner panic: “What will I do for an hour AND A HALF? Will I be able to sit still? What if I get bored?!” – the latter being the worst out of the three. I have continuous ants in my pants. But here I was, on the motorway, on a road trip, all on my own, to go and visit my non-romantic other half.
We are infamous for spending our days laughing like others spend it breathing. People are surprised when one turns up without the other and even more so when our giggles are not the trumpet that announces our arrival.
We are what happens when the Chucklebrothers meet Dumb and Dumber. We are an instant feel good pair and I was off to submerge myself in a weekend of that. Whilst partaking in some cultural tourism, of course.
I found myself on the motorway, using all my might to make sure I didn’t speed when suddenly a voice rang out telling me to take the next exit off the motorway. I looked left, just in case, then right and realized I could see no exit and had no idea what I was being commanded when suddenly I decided it would also be a great idea to look at what the SatNav was suggesting. Sure enough, there was an exit and sure enough I decided the SatNav knew better than me and sure enough, I suddenly found myself on a country lane surrounded by a whole bunch of country.
Suddenly, I had 300km left and it looked like it was all going to be happening on country lanes. Bugger. I decided to trust the SatNav, though suddenly I did begin to worry that I had never actually updated it on the internet and perhaps I ought to have…perhaps it was silly of me to put all my faith in this little machine, called Tim by the way, who although was my homing pigeon, had also managed to get me lost on more than one occasion…Bugger.
At least the country side looked nice this time of the year. That was a plus as I went up mini mountains, came back down them. Turned sharp bends, avoided little lambs and tiny goats – which by the way I’ve decided I would like a few of - they just look so cute!
As I got sent through tiny villages that meandered their way around mountains, through crowds of their inhabitants who would stare mercilessly at the huge neon sign reading: “You know I know I’m bloody lost” that crowned the car, I began to realize I would have to stop at a petrol station soon and I sort of had to pee.
I had passed two petrol stations already but they all looked quite run down and old and empty and perhaps a little bit like a draft of one of Stephen King’s ‘Misery’-esque novels. And one of the last pieces of advice thrown my way by my father before I left was, “don’t stop in any small places. Just the big ones and be careful.” So I thought, well, I’m being careful, but perhaps so careful I’m going to end up pushing the car up the next mountain!
I made a promise I would stop at the next petrol station. Also, I really had to pee.
Although I was highly aware I was on country lanes and was absolutely sure there would be no speed cameras I was conscious that some police are just out to get people like me and that they could be in secret police cars with those little speedometer machines. Thus making every abandoned car a liability and ensuring I slowed down upon having spotted it…
I must add, in the interest of rectifying how paranoid I seem, that I did spot two police cars crawling along at some stage – in fact, I was going to overtake before I realized they were the reason we were all going so slowly. So I pulled back and sat twiddling my thumbs, waiting for them to pull over for a doughnut brake. Silver lining? At least I wouldn’t be fined for jaywalking since it was them that were causing it.
I continued to be sent around mountainside villages, I swerved a lone squirrel tail in the middle of the road, which I can only assume fell off someone’s hat and still, I had to pee. I was beginning to seriously consider my options…random bush, plastic bag, if only I were a boy! Instead I chose to wish upon a non visible star and find the silver lining: there was no silver lining!! I was going to wet myself. Suddenly I saw a petrol station peering out from amidst the green hills and my bladder breathed a sigh of relief.
I was aiming to pick my friend up from the school at which she works and so was following directions to that. Suddenly the country lanes fell away, the SatNav promised it was 6 minutes till I reached my destination and just like that a school materialized before me. I literally dumped the car and got out to make sure I wasn’t suffering a mirage in the middle of all this countryside.
I had arrived. I hadn’t had to push the car up any mountain. I hadn’t met any of Mr King’s characters, nor had I been stampeded by goats. I had arrived and I had 48 hours of pure laughter before I could do it all again in reverse.
domingo, 31 de enero de 2010
jueves, 28 de enero de 2010
Old Sir, I look into your eyes
and as they are downcast, I feel not see
And so I feel not see, and a little of my heart dies,
For I feel what it is you used to be.
You used to be young and sprite
With your essence bubbling forth,
Rumour has it, on your feet you were light
And with a young wife you danced your way up north.
Happy and merry as this may be, times change do they not?
Time passes leaving gifts of wrinkles and age
And in controlled despair you wonder if this is life’s lot…
With sadness and frustration you turn page
Every time leaving further behind a life that was not.
Old Sir, I look into your eyes
And I must feel not see,
For they are downcast beneath lids of years
And I wonder what sweet nothings fill your ears whilst you sit for hours and lie for many more.
If I seem to ignore ‘tis only to guard the heart that goes out to you,
For old Sir, I cry too, when I think that out of anonymous loyalty you wished away years.
Old Sir, I do see though that you still have glimmers of sprite
Even when you look low –
Perchance you are remembering some wild romantic age where you danced all night?
and as they are downcast, I feel not see
And so I feel not see, and a little of my heart dies,
For I feel what it is you used to be.
You used to be young and sprite
With your essence bubbling forth,
Rumour has it, on your feet you were light
And with a young wife you danced your way up north.
Happy and merry as this may be, times change do they not?
Time passes leaving gifts of wrinkles and age
And in controlled despair you wonder if this is life’s lot…
With sadness and frustration you turn page
Every time leaving further behind a life that was not.
Old Sir, I look into your eyes
And I must feel not see,
For they are downcast beneath lids of years
And I wonder what sweet nothings fill your ears whilst you sit for hours and lie for many more.
If I seem to ignore ‘tis only to guard the heart that goes out to you,
For old Sir, I cry too, when I think that out of anonymous loyalty you wished away years.
Old Sir, I do see though that you still have glimmers of sprite
Even when you look low –
Perchance you are remembering some wild romantic age where you danced all night?
jueves, 21 de enero de 2010
Haiti: Nothing Funny About It.
"...that question that haunts and taunts the conscience: "What can you do?" ""One week on, it is impossible to see how Haiti can recover from this earthquake.
The fund-raising effort around the world has been truly incredible.
In the middle of one of the worst recessions in living memory, people have been giving money as perhaps never before..." (Price, M; BBC)
Since we are all au fait with Facebook, and if you're not, find someone who is and pass it on, I thought this was a good idea: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#/pages/We-Will-Donate-0001-to-Haiti-for-Every-Person-That-is-a-Fan/284100898626?ref=search&sid=506204755.3569471062..1
Amidst the mass disaster, destruction and utter desolation currently tearing through Haiti, thus our news stations, there have been a few gems that help take the chill off the dire after-effects of this seemingly unatural disaster.
Stories from survivors that make your skin goosepimple and your heart smile.
"...pulled out after spending eight days buried under Haiti's rubble...-...a neighbour cry out: "I heard your daughter, she called out."
"I didn't believe it, but I rushed, the neighbours dug, she was alive and they dug her out. She talked to me and asked me for milk and cornflakes and then she fainted." ...The surgeon treating her at a French field hospital described her survival as as "a miracle". "...She is blessed by the gods," said Dominique Jean."
And:
"...She had been attending a church meeting in the home of Haiti's Roman Catholic archbishop, when it collapsed around her.
"We kept working until I could reach the woman and I felt she grabbed my hand and squeezed it strongly and I felt that God had touched my hand," said one of the Mexican rescuers...-...was dehydrated and had a dislocated hip and broken leg but sang as she was carried away on a stretcher..."
After earth shattering disasters there seems to be a sickly sweet effect on the otherwise individualistic, somewhat hostile society we have become; we knock down all barriers and merge together, because somewhere inside us, we realise that eventually together we are stronger. An article in the New York Times illustrates this fact wonderfully:
"...disaster makes strange bedfellows. Hence the cast of characters in a community where the melting pot usually melts only so far and the Hasidim and the Haitians invariably find themselves in separate worlds or competing ones. Nevertheless, for a day, there was the Haitian mayor, Noramie F. Jasmin, and her Hasidic administrative assistant, Aron Wieder, directing traffic inside the cavernous lobby, the urgency of the moment looming larger than the cultural chasm that usually separates them..." -
To read the rest, follow this link: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/22/us/22iht-letter.html
Whether you are a believer or not, it is at times like these when people of all faiths and walks of life find themselves raising their heads up to the skies and asking how on Earth such cruel happenings could exist? But it is this being, for want of a better word, that we love to hate, real or not real, believed in or not - that becomes the butt of all problems. As well as the band aid.
It becomes the one that can be stuck on when needed in order to quiet the heart that hurts. Believers and non-believers turn to prayer. Custom made, written, mumbled and made to order. In the end, we all do, because it's the only thing we can do, right?
Facebook has also a page for prayers for Haiti: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#/group.php?v=wall&ref=search&gid=246779503401
"Smoke from the morning fires begins to fill the nostrils, masking the smell of the dead. It filters the rising sun.
A golden glow covers this little fold in the hills of Port-au-Prince, as survivors pick through their homes." (Price, M; BBC)
Amidst the rubble, little miracles keep ocurring and it is these that will help build a better, stronger Haiti than before.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/22/us/22iht-letter.html
http://images.google.es/imgres?imgurl=http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_etdY51YqlW0/SMG1iP9-8oI/AAAAAAAAARg/WjGeVTrKqa4/s400/781-ayb05_haiti_LATIN_EPF_standalone_prod_affiliate_56.jpg&imgrefurl=http://pached.blogspot.com/2008/09/horrible-escena-en-hait-despus-de.html&usg=__VI6V0S0jBLK9mKhfJ_LhopfSLQg=&h=304&w=400&sz=33&hl=es&start=31&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=UjnE8IbuQTpQHM:&tbnh=94&tbnw=124&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dafter%2Bhaiti%26ndsp%3D21%26hl%3Des%26rlz%3D1T4ACAW_es___ES334%26sa%3DN%26start%3D21%26um%3D1
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8459090.stm
lunes, 18 de enero de 2010
I'll Shop, You Drop!
What could possibly be more gratifying than going shopping? What could possibly be more satisfying than being able to peruse the vast array of colourful items of clothing; each row softly whispering your name as you urge your legs to keep moving, to ignore the pink suede that would look perfect with your tan bag…
…you walk past the aisles of clothes, neatly hung up together, colour coordinated and according to style – each soft ripple in the material begging to be touched. Just the once. It whispers your name and your hand reaches out, your fingers grasp the tip of the garment and as its delicate material caresses your skin, your bank balance flashes before your eyes, but before you know it, you’ve promised to eat lettuce for the next week so long as you can have that top – pleasthankyouandohmygod!
Seem familiar? It is this scenario no doubt millions of us go through when faced with the thought/need/urge/itch to shop. Sales or no sales, financial crisis or no financial crisis – retail therapy is the cure for the majority of things. Clearly not a broken leg, as anybody with half a nose for fashion will kick the crutches from beneath you if it means getting the last top in the last size.
So with my head full of all the fashion bursting through the market right now and the knowledge that Spain has extended their winter sales by two weeks – yes, two whole weeks (!!), when my aunt said she was planning on visiting Madrid for the weekend and would like to shop, well, I nearly hyperventilated with joy.
She wanted to revamp her wardrobe. All her things were fashionable in the 80’s and she wants new. I did tell her that the old is in fashion now; the big shoulders, the oversized knit wear etc But I also understand the need to feel a new item of clothing bumping against your leg through the shopping bag, as you take it home like the prized possession it is. I understood the yearning in her heart and so agreed to be her personal shopper.
It. Was. Fantastic. Shopping without spending money is amazing. I waltzed through the sections of clothing turning my nose up until I landed on a gem. Gem found, hand raised, pile increased and finally we would flounce off to the changing rooms.
Don’t think I am a complete saint-of-a-shopaholic-niece who has her consumerist itch scratched by watching others shop! No, no, I shopped earlier in the week and have managed to spend more money than the monthly recommended amount in just a few hours. Therefore watching my aunt spend money and shopping through her was surprisingly enjoyable! My bank balance also loves me more.
I already had a sense that Spain’s newest fashion scene was wanting to slink back to the 80’s – to the post-Franco years of the “Movida Madrileña”, translated as The Madrilenian Movement – which saw the birth of a new identity for Spain. From it rose many talented artists gracing many different fields, one of them being expression of oneself through ones clothes.
But it has been completely confirmed this weekend: Spain is working the ‘manufactured rebel’ – trying to be like those in the 80’s, but with none of the ‘pazazz’ that comes with the originality. The ‘in thing’ right now is to push the socially acceptable Spanish boundaries in the most pitiful manner.
This fake expression of the wealthy rebel advertises the whole ankle swinging, tight fitting, high waisted jeans teamed with flat, thin laced, pointed shoes and big black square rimmed glasses – and frankly, it is horrific. It is an asexual look and just screams copycat.
Primarily, why oh why would you tempt your ankles with chill blaines? Make your bum look bad in this day and age where we have jeans to fix all posterior issues and heavens above, I’ve very little that is not awful to say about the shoes. We are not in the 50’s 60’s, 70’s, 80’s or about to enter a jazz get together and apparently, we also, have no personality!
One thing is mixing today’s fashion trends with yesteryears and another to smack on a copied version of what used to be, on a very modern, well bred child who is clearly trying to rebel in the most mapped out way possible. Ummm…?!
The rebels of Spain’s 80’s had a cause, the cause was freedom. The rebel’s of today are without cause and so just look silly, for want of a better, stronger word.
All wannabe rebels without a cause aside, it is my duty as a fellow shopper to recommend that you do not die without experiencing shopping without spending money!! I can assure you, it is one of the most rewarding things a shopaholic suffering withdrawal symptoms could possibly live through.
…you walk past the aisles of clothes, neatly hung up together, colour coordinated and according to style – each soft ripple in the material begging to be touched. Just the once. It whispers your name and your hand reaches out, your fingers grasp the tip of the garment and as its delicate material caresses your skin, your bank balance flashes before your eyes, but before you know it, you’ve promised to eat lettuce for the next week so long as you can have that top – pleasthankyouandohmygod!
Seem familiar? It is this scenario no doubt millions of us go through when faced with the thought/need/urge/itch to shop. Sales or no sales, financial crisis or no financial crisis – retail therapy is the cure for the majority of things. Clearly not a broken leg, as anybody with half a nose for fashion will kick the crutches from beneath you if it means getting the last top in the last size.
So with my head full of all the fashion bursting through the market right now and the knowledge that Spain has extended their winter sales by two weeks – yes, two whole weeks (!!), when my aunt said she was planning on visiting Madrid for the weekend and would like to shop, well, I nearly hyperventilated with joy.
She wanted to revamp her wardrobe. All her things were fashionable in the 80’s and she wants new. I did tell her that the old is in fashion now; the big shoulders, the oversized knit wear etc But I also understand the need to feel a new item of clothing bumping against your leg through the shopping bag, as you take it home like the prized possession it is. I understood the yearning in her heart and so agreed to be her personal shopper.
It. Was. Fantastic. Shopping without spending money is amazing. I waltzed through the sections of clothing turning my nose up until I landed on a gem. Gem found, hand raised, pile increased and finally we would flounce off to the changing rooms.
Don’t think I am a complete saint-of-a-shopaholic-niece who has her consumerist itch scratched by watching others shop! No, no, I shopped earlier in the week and have managed to spend more money than the monthly recommended amount in just a few hours. Therefore watching my aunt spend money and shopping through her was surprisingly enjoyable! My bank balance also loves me more.
I already had a sense that Spain’s newest fashion scene was wanting to slink back to the 80’s – to the post-Franco years of the “Movida Madrileña”, translated as The Madrilenian Movement – which saw the birth of a new identity for Spain. From it rose many talented artists gracing many different fields, one of them being expression of oneself through ones clothes.
But it has been completely confirmed this weekend: Spain is working the ‘manufactured rebel’ – trying to be like those in the 80’s, but with none of the ‘pazazz’ that comes with the originality. The ‘in thing’ right now is to push the socially acceptable Spanish boundaries in the most pitiful manner.
This fake expression of the wealthy rebel advertises the whole ankle swinging, tight fitting, high waisted jeans teamed with flat, thin laced, pointed shoes and big black square rimmed glasses – and frankly, it is horrific. It is an asexual look and just screams copycat.
Primarily, why oh why would you tempt your ankles with chill blaines? Make your bum look bad in this day and age where we have jeans to fix all posterior issues and heavens above, I’ve very little that is not awful to say about the shoes. We are not in the 50’s 60’s, 70’s, 80’s or about to enter a jazz get together and apparently, we also, have no personality!
One thing is mixing today’s fashion trends with yesteryears and another to smack on a copied version of what used to be, on a very modern, well bred child who is clearly trying to rebel in the most mapped out way possible. Ummm…?!
The rebels of Spain’s 80’s had a cause, the cause was freedom. The rebel’s of today are without cause and so just look silly, for want of a better, stronger word.
All wannabe rebels without a cause aside, it is my duty as a fellow shopper to recommend that you do not die without experiencing shopping without spending money!! I can assure you, it is one of the most rewarding things a shopaholic suffering withdrawal symptoms could possibly live through.
jueves, 14 de enero de 2010
Calamity Jane's All Over Spain
When I was growing up, one of my mother’s friends had quite the mouth on her, nothing compared to mine now of course, but, a mouth nonetheless. And it was with said mouth that one day I heard her call somebody a Sod. In my self-appointed capacity as “Why?” –child I asked what it meant and was quickly answered with, “It’s like spud. It’s another word for spud.” Of course, at a certain age, you’ll believe anything, won’t you? In fact, I’m still waiting for the age when you stop believing everything…
Either way, with the synonym to Sod being Spud, as I grew up and learnt what it actually meant and then further along the line, learnt the expression Murphy’s law and its ruder cousin: Sod’s law – all I can do is think about the potato famine in Ireland as the toast falls butter side down; as my contacts fall into a pile of water and the way you manage to hurt the same part of your body repeatedly until your nerve endings are numb.
Well now, that last example is precisely what I am living right now. I am surrounded by Calamity Jane’s Sod’s law! And this time, it has absolutely nothing to do with potatoes!
Please take stock of the following: As afore mentioned, NYE for me, was spent in bed with fever and a wisdom tooth releasing all sorts of wisdomosity that was very much unappreciated and undetected actually.
The following week was to be the grandmother’s hip replacement surgery. Which in actual fact, completely boggles the mind! These days, you can just make an appointment with a Dr to give you a new hip. I got talked through how they do it, and as well as it being highly unceremonious in that they actually SAW at your bone and the table rocks with you on it (!!) – they slip in this porous metal, (hello, porous metal??), cut it to size - obviously - and then leave it there to mesh with your own bone! Does nobody feel a little bit like Robo Cop is slowly overtaking all our old people?
Robo Cop or not, something the Dr’s cannot (yet) fix is snow. We were snowed in on the day of her operation and could not move an inch even if we had been paid. Well, for a price, I may just do anything, but the thing is nobody was on the roads as danger of black ice was far too high. Operation cancelled.
Just as bloody well since that morning I woke up with tonsils the size of small golf balls and was beginning to feel like someone’s portable radiator. Of course some would blame this sudden tonsillitis on low-winter-immune system, partying like a Madrilian till the wee hours a few nights before, being in a smokey environment and generally having a huge aversion to coats whatever the season. I blame it on Sod and his law.
That same day, the day that the Robo Cop op. got cancelled and I woke up with a throat slowly morphing into that of the Elephant Man’s second cousin, my grandfather fell in the same place he’d shattered his hip 15 years ago and sprained his wrist and developed complaints of his very own porous metallic body part.
My mother, bless her stripey cotton socks, was afflicted only with great stress at being surrounded by an ailing household.
Suddenly we are presented with the possibility of two hip replacement operations – will it be simultaneous? Will they share the saw? Perhaps compare growth rate of the new titanium 360 super cool body part? I don’t know. I have been dying for the past week and have no bloody idea what is going on.
I lie, I do know the grandfather is fine and been told to grease his hip and bandage his wrist; granny has been receiving phone calls from everyone from here till Timbuktu asking about the surgery – people are beginning to think she made it up just so she could receive an avalanche of calls and me – well, I had to go to the dentist to see about having four bits of useless wisdomosity removed.
Yes, with raging tonsillitis I went and sat in the dentist’s waiting room, having signed consent forms saying something to the effect that if whilst under the anesthetic I swallowed my own tongue/tooth/died etc it was absolutely no one’s fault and quite clearly, Sod’s law.
I sat there with hysteria rising, my eyesight began to blur and hyperventilation quietly but steadily set in. Finally they called my name (the Spanish know how to do this) and I went and sat in the surgeon’s chair. To wait. I must have had such an expression of horror on my face that one of the nurses came and cooed in my ear whilst stroking my hair. Although, according to my mother, there was no expression of horror – which is worse, it means I was exuding enough of it that it warranted hair stroking.
After 20 excruciating minutes, by which time my already reduced throat had completely closed up and I was looking for other means of breathing – the surgeon sent me packing saying he couldn’t possibly operate with tonsillitis. I jumped up, eyesight fully restored, breathing healthily labored once more, hi-fived him, made an appointment for February and ran out before he could change his mind.
Now, although February is the new date for the hip replacement surgery, at least there will only be one. And although I have been told I will look like an unfortunate chipmunk for the better half of a week, I have been recommended the English fix to all bumps: a bag of frozen peas. I intent to show the Spaniards how the British survive pub brawls and dental surgery, yes I do.
So with a good dose of the worst winter Spain has seen since sliced bread; another of Calamity Jane and some more of Sod’s sodding law – we have quite the complete household of late. Of course, we count our blessings, it could be worse. We could have nothing to complain about - and we all know how much we love to do that!
Either way, with the synonym to Sod being Spud, as I grew up and learnt what it actually meant and then further along the line, learnt the expression Murphy’s law and its ruder cousin: Sod’s law – all I can do is think about the potato famine in Ireland as the toast falls butter side down; as my contacts fall into a pile of water and the way you manage to hurt the same part of your body repeatedly until your nerve endings are numb.
Well now, that last example is precisely what I am living right now. I am surrounded by Calamity Jane’s Sod’s law! And this time, it has absolutely nothing to do with potatoes!
Please take stock of the following: As afore mentioned, NYE for me, was spent in bed with fever and a wisdom tooth releasing all sorts of wisdomosity that was very much unappreciated and undetected actually.
The following week was to be the grandmother’s hip replacement surgery. Which in actual fact, completely boggles the mind! These days, you can just make an appointment with a Dr to give you a new hip. I got talked through how they do it, and as well as it being highly unceremonious in that they actually SAW at your bone and the table rocks with you on it (!!) – they slip in this porous metal, (hello, porous metal??), cut it to size - obviously - and then leave it there to mesh with your own bone! Does nobody feel a little bit like Robo Cop is slowly overtaking all our old people?
Robo Cop or not, something the Dr’s cannot (yet) fix is snow. We were snowed in on the day of her operation and could not move an inch even if we had been paid. Well, for a price, I may just do anything, but the thing is nobody was on the roads as danger of black ice was far too high. Operation cancelled.
Just as bloody well since that morning I woke up with tonsils the size of small golf balls and was beginning to feel like someone’s portable radiator. Of course some would blame this sudden tonsillitis on low-winter-immune system, partying like a Madrilian till the wee hours a few nights before, being in a smokey environment and generally having a huge aversion to coats whatever the season. I blame it on Sod and his law.
That same day, the day that the Robo Cop op. got cancelled and I woke up with a throat slowly morphing into that of the Elephant Man’s second cousin, my grandfather fell in the same place he’d shattered his hip 15 years ago and sprained his wrist and developed complaints of his very own porous metallic body part.
My mother, bless her stripey cotton socks, was afflicted only with great stress at being surrounded by an ailing household.
Suddenly we are presented with the possibility of two hip replacement operations – will it be simultaneous? Will they share the saw? Perhaps compare growth rate of the new titanium 360 super cool body part? I don’t know. I have been dying for the past week and have no bloody idea what is going on.
I lie, I do know the grandfather is fine and been told to grease his hip and bandage his wrist; granny has been receiving phone calls from everyone from here till Timbuktu asking about the surgery – people are beginning to think she made it up just so she could receive an avalanche of calls and me – well, I had to go to the dentist to see about having four bits of useless wisdomosity removed.
Yes, with raging tonsillitis I went and sat in the dentist’s waiting room, having signed consent forms saying something to the effect that if whilst under the anesthetic I swallowed my own tongue/tooth/died etc it was absolutely no one’s fault and quite clearly, Sod’s law.
I sat there with hysteria rising, my eyesight began to blur and hyperventilation quietly but steadily set in. Finally they called my name (the Spanish know how to do this) and I went and sat in the surgeon’s chair. To wait. I must have had such an expression of horror on my face that one of the nurses came and cooed in my ear whilst stroking my hair. Although, according to my mother, there was no expression of horror – which is worse, it means I was exuding enough of it that it warranted hair stroking.
After 20 excruciating minutes, by which time my already reduced throat had completely closed up and I was looking for other means of breathing – the surgeon sent me packing saying he couldn’t possibly operate with tonsillitis. I jumped up, eyesight fully restored, breathing healthily labored once more, hi-fived him, made an appointment for February and ran out before he could change his mind.
Now, although February is the new date for the hip replacement surgery, at least there will only be one. And although I have been told I will look like an unfortunate chipmunk for the better half of a week, I have been recommended the English fix to all bumps: a bag of frozen peas. I intent to show the Spaniards how the British survive pub brawls and dental surgery, yes I do.
So with a good dose of the worst winter Spain has seen since sliced bread; another of Calamity Jane and some more of Sod’s sodding law – we have quite the complete household of late. Of course, we count our blessings, it could be worse. We could have nothing to complain about - and we all know how much we love to do that!
domingo, 10 de enero de 2010
"When I grow up, I want to be..."
There comes a time in every child’s life when they turn to their parents and say the eight words that will be the beginning of an endless list of possibilities: “When I grow up, I want to be…”
“When I grow up I want to be a ballet dancer!” this was my first one and it lasted a very short period. The one time I did wear a tutu was to school, when I was 5, under a favourite dress - the material was so itchy that I spent the day scratching at my legs until one of the teacher’s helpers asked me if I needed to go to the toilet…at a young age I was thoroughly embarrassed and I’ve not worn one since.
The next choice was to be a vet. This option did last for quite some time as I was and still am, passionate about animals and their well being. So passionate in fact that I could not possibly stand seeing them suffer or be witness to any cruelty or unfortunate accident. Thus we see the option of being a vet quickly swept aside due to obvious reasons.
My grandfather once accused me of having my priorities mixed up since animals were seemingly more important to me than humans. His comment has echoed around my head for many years and I must say, it is not strictly true. But in my defense, I was brought up in Great Britain…
I had hit a bit of a plateau after the vet non-vet business and decided that maybe I should be a psychologist because people spoke to me about everything and anything - much to my horror, I might add.
So although the natural option seemed psychology, Sandra Bullock messed that up for me with Miss Congeniality. I hadn’t realized being an FBI agent was so much fun and decided I just simply had to be one! I hummed and ahhed about the two job prospects for a while – please note I was 14 going on 17…
But in the end, no amount of Sandra Bullock or chatty elderly women could top a well placed Starbucks with a wacky English friend. It was decided that I ought to be a writer. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as I realized I had just touched upon my dream. I would spend the rest of my life fulfilling my passion and I would do everything within my power to be one of the best. No pressure there then…?!
As much as my decision still, deep within my heart, feels like the correct one, at times it feels a bit as though perhaps my passion and direction in life is too abstract; nothing to grab onto until I have made it. And why on earth would one of the world’s laziest people pick a career that would involve self-motivation? Suffice to say, in terms of getting on with ones life, training to be an FBI agent seems a lot easier sometimes.
Recently some of my closest friends have taken decisions that mean they are moving forward with their lives at warp speed! Leaving me dithering as to whether I shouldn’t in fact just become a Miss Congeniality to appear as though I am doing something productive!
For example, one of my good friends has just had a baby, (whom I might add, is the best looking new born in the world! – usually they’re born looking a bit like skinned rats are they not?) So gorgeous newborn in tow, my friend and his partner and now their baby, are on their way to being real adults in a real world and doing real life things! Whilst I decide to be one of the best… (FBI agents?)
And to top things off, another of my friends is engaged and set to be married next August! As thrilled as I am for her (and him – they’re perfect for each other), it just feels like another forced rocket up my behind to get some sort of a life into gear! I still catch myself thinking, “When I grow up, like, for real, I want to be…”
Either way, the only solution for a ‘ready made’ life, would appear for me to find a groom (apparently shop mannequins will not do), buy some kids off ebay - (I have a very small pain threshold and unsure as to whether I would be able to not produce a skinned rat-esque child) and train me to be an FBI agent! And somehow, the fact that FBI agents only dress in black does not seem like the biggest problem in this ‘ready made’ solution…
Perhaps the solution is to realize that we are all different and we all have different paths in life. Mine clearly does not involve tutu’s, vets or FBI…for now. As for wanting to be one of the best in my field, well, it is an awful lot of pressure, but then, a life without stress would be far more stressful, I think.
But I do have one thing keeping me sane, and that is my very deep rooted trust that I will not grow to be a spinster with wild hair who is surrounded by cats that chew on the tips of my withered, wrinkled fingers. And who knows, maybe my dream man-(nequin) will be an FBI agent?! Meaning I’m not too far off the mark…
“When I grow up I want to be a ballet dancer!” this was my first one and it lasted a very short period. The one time I did wear a tutu was to school, when I was 5, under a favourite dress - the material was so itchy that I spent the day scratching at my legs until one of the teacher’s helpers asked me if I needed to go to the toilet…at a young age I was thoroughly embarrassed and I’ve not worn one since.
The next choice was to be a vet. This option did last for quite some time as I was and still am, passionate about animals and their well being. So passionate in fact that I could not possibly stand seeing them suffer or be witness to any cruelty or unfortunate accident. Thus we see the option of being a vet quickly swept aside due to obvious reasons.
My grandfather once accused me of having my priorities mixed up since animals were seemingly more important to me than humans. His comment has echoed around my head for many years and I must say, it is not strictly true. But in my defense, I was brought up in Great Britain…
I had hit a bit of a plateau after the vet non-vet business and decided that maybe I should be a psychologist because people spoke to me about everything and anything - much to my horror, I might add.
So although the natural option seemed psychology, Sandra Bullock messed that up for me with Miss Congeniality. I hadn’t realized being an FBI agent was so much fun and decided I just simply had to be one! I hummed and ahhed about the two job prospects for a while – please note I was 14 going on 17…
But in the end, no amount of Sandra Bullock or chatty elderly women could top a well placed Starbucks with a wacky English friend. It was decided that I ought to be a writer. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as I realized I had just touched upon my dream. I would spend the rest of my life fulfilling my passion and I would do everything within my power to be one of the best. No pressure there then…?!
As much as my decision still, deep within my heart, feels like the correct one, at times it feels a bit as though perhaps my passion and direction in life is too abstract; nothing to grab onto until I have made it. And why on earth would one of the world’s laziest people pick a career that would involve self-motivation? Suffice to say, in terms of getting on with ones life, training to be an FBI agent seems a lot easier sometimes.
Recently some of my closest friends have taken decisions that mean they are moving forward with their lives at warp speed! Leaving me dithering as to whether I shouldn’t in fact just become a Miss Congeniality to appear as though I am doing something productive!
For example, one of my good friends has just had a baby, (whom I might add, is the best looking new born in the world! – usually they’re born looking a bit like skinned rats are they not?) So gorgeous newborn in tow, my friend and his partner and now their baby, are on their way to being real adults in a real world and doing real life things! Whilst I decide to be one of the best… (FBI agents?)
And to top things off, another of my friends is engaged and set to be married next August! As thrilled as I am for her (and him – they’re perfect for each other), it just feels like another forced rocket up my behind to get some sort of a life into gear! I still catch myself thinking, “When I grow up, like, for real, I want to be…”
Either way, the only solution for a ‘ready made’ life, would appear for me to find a groom (apparently shop mannequins will not do), buy some kids off ebay - (I have a very small pain threshold and unsure as to whether I would be able to not produce a skinned rat-esque child) and train me to be an FBI agent! And somehow, the fact that FBI agents only dress in black does not seem like the biggest problem in this ‘ready made’ solution…
Perhaps the solution is to realize that we are all different and we all have different paths in life. Mine clearly does not involve tutu’s, vets or FBI…for now. As for wanting to be one of the best in my field, well, it is an awful lot of pressure, but then, a life without stress would be far more stressful, I think.
But I do have one thing keeping me sane, and that is my very deep rooted trust that I will not grow to be a spinster with wild hair who is surrounded by cats that chew on the tips of my withered, wrinkled fingers. And who knows, maybe my dream man-(nequin) will be an FBI agent?! Meaning I’m not too far off the mark…
lunes, 4 de enero de 2010
"Right pig's ear of a festive period"
I’ve decided the whole Christmas holiday time is in fact, very much like PMT. For those not au fait with female syntax, that would be Pre-Menstrual Tension. Now that you have the definition, you understand even less, don’t you?
Well now, there are schools of thought stating that women suffer the effects of PMT before their period and/or during and/or afterwards. Although I am no good at calculating things, quite frankly, it would appear to me as though the before, the during and afterwards take up a huge amount of a month. Thus meaning that women are in fact at the mercy of PMT all live long month should their hormones wish it.
This seems terribly boring, tedious and unfair – not just to the woman in question but to all surrounding her… So, the connection with the Christmas holiday period? Well, the Santa eager beavers start counting down the days to Christmas after Halloween. And the shops start advertising the best new toy since I don’t know what, mid November if not earlier. This quickly totals up a pre-Christmas frenzy of nothing less than a month, if not more.
Then, you have from Christmas Eve till New Year’s Eve to talk about what you did and what you got and what you didn’t stop yourself from eating that Christmas. And then the first two weeks of January are inevitably filled with how the entire holiday went.
So you see, like PMT, we have the before, the during and now that we are inside the two weeks of January, I will fill up your afterwards, with my Christmas tale.
It all began hundreds of years ago when Spain decided its traditional Christmas Eve meal was to be a seafood based platter. In our family, we tend to make bisque. My granny had a hot date with a fish monger and stripped him of all his goodies, bringing home kilos upon kilos of fishy food stuffs. All beasts were peeled and left ready to be boiled for the traditional supper of the 24th of December, at around 10pm.
The power went out at about 8pm. Just as were going to begin to cook, the power died. This happens sometimes and when it does, somebody plods downstairs, flips a switch and the house starts humming once more. This time there was no such luck and we found ourselves with electricity only in the grandparent’s rooms, the sitting room and the kitchen bulb, thank goodness. Nothing else was working. I lie, the treadmill was working and I refused to see it as a sign.
We hummmed and ahhhed about what to do and finally as hunger set in and we realized that in fact there no hot water thus no showers, the batteries to the torches were dying, there was no cooker thus no traditional supper and no heating… that short of the entire family sharing a bed, we should open some champagne and eat cold cuts.
At 7am the next morning, Christmas morning, my mother decided to go for a wonder around the garden and happened to see the light of the swimming pool control room was on. This is a small little, cave like room, underground – under the pool. The light shone out like some eery UFO in the dawn. She wondered over and saw the entire room was flooded. Please note, the room is barely 2 metres in height, and the water was about a metre deep.
After the whole Christmas morning breakfast hoo-ha, my mother shared with us all the small matter of the flood. Before I could even work out whether that whole mess had anything to do with me and how I could get out of it should someone decide it did – I found myself freshly showered, blow dried hair, in a pair of wellies and carting buckets full of some hideous liquid that smelt like a mixture of stagnant swamp, pig sty and putrid flesh. Or at least, what I imagine putrid flesh would smell like. We created a chain of four people, each doing their bit to make the metre high swamp go down and suddenly I decided I would never live on a farm and I would never shower before checking out possible flood spots in the garden.
The clean, nail painted child inside me cried for about 5 seconds, before I embraced the filth I was dealing with and I am proud to say that every time some of that horrendous water splashed on my face or forearms, I died a little less inside. Up side? The power was back on and the Christmas lunch was a go!
New Years was supposed to be spent in the Algarve. We went to Lisbon first, which served for me to dislocate my shoulder and to show us that there was torrential weather in Portugal and even worse in the South.
The shoulder was fixed by an excellent Shiatsu practitioner, but I can safely say I have never had my fats prodded, poked and handled in such an unceremonious manner as I did that day. I must also say, that it was one of the most effective treatments I have ever received.
Now, upon realizing the South was having its very own Katrina, we decided to stay in Lisbon. And just as well. On NYE my left cheek swelled up, leaving me looking like a lop-sided chipmunk. Things got worse, the wisdomosity infection appeared to be spreading, the throat closing up and the only option was A&E.
Drugs and anti-inflammatories were handed out like sweeties and I was in bed on NYE at 7pm. Of course, we count our blessings, some people had more severe visits to A&E – inside which I do not only include alcoholic stupours.
Now we are done with the Christmas holiday period and can look forward to Easter. Yes, we are about 4 months away, but by now, we know how this thing works. As for the bumpy start to 2010, you know what they say: What starts with a struggle, ends well! And if this isn’t a saying, it ought to be. Happy 2010!
Well now, there are schools of thought stating that women suffer the effects of PMT before their period and/or during and/or afterwards. Although I am no good at calculating things, quite frankly, it would appear to me as though the before, the during and afterwards take up a huge amount of a month. Thus meaning that women are in fact at the mercy of PMT all live long month should their hormones wish it.
This seems terribly boring, tedious and unfair – not just to the woman in question but to all surrounding her… So, the connection with the Christmas holiday period? Well, the Santa eager beavers start counting down the days to Christmas after Halloween. And the shops start advertising the best new toy since I don’t know what, mid November if not earlier. This quickly totals up a pre-Christmas frenzy of nothing less than a month, if not more.
Then, you have from Christmas Eve till New Year’s Eve to talk about what you did and what you got and what you didn’t stop yourself from eating that Christmas. And then the first two weeks of January are inevitably filled with how the entire holiday went.
So you see, like PMT, we have the before, the during and now that we are inside the two weeks of January, I will fill up your afterwards, with my Christmas tale.
It all began hundreds of years ago when Spain decided its traditional Christmas Eve meal was to be a seafood based platter. In our family, we tend to make bisque. My granny had a hot date with a fish monger and stripped him of all his goodies, bringing home kilos upon kilos of fishy food stuffs. All beasts were peeled and left ready to be boiled for the traditional supper of the 24th of December, at around 10pm.
The power went out at about 8pm. Just as were going to begin to cook, the power died. This happens sometimes and when it does, somebody plods downstairs, flips a switch and the house starts humming once more. This time there was no such luck and we found ourselves with electricity only in the grandparent’s rooms, the sitting room and the kitchen bulb, thank goodness. Nothing else was working. I lie, the treadmill was working and I refused to see it as a sign.
We hummmed and ahhhed about what to do and finally as hunger set in and we realized that in fact there no hot water thus no showers, the batteries to the torches were dying, there was no cooker thus no traditional supper and no heating… that short of the entire family sharing a bed, we should open some champagne and eat cold cuts.
At 7am the next morning, Christmas morning, my mother decided to go for a wonder around the garden and happened to see the light of the swimming pool control room was on. This is a small little, cave like room, underground – under the pool. The light shone out like some eery UFO in the dawn. She wondered over and saw the entire room was flooded. Please note, the room is barely 2 metres in height, and the water was about a metre deep.
After the whole Christmas morning breakfast hoo-ha, my mother shared with us all the small matter of the flood. Before I could even work out whether that whole mess had anything to do with me and how I could get out of it should someone decide it did – I found myself freshly showered, blow dried hair, in a pair of wellies and carting buckets full of some hideous liquid that smelt like a mixture of stagnant swamp, pig sty and putrid flesh. Or at least, what I imagine putrid flesh would smell like. We created a chain of four people, each doing their bit to make the metre high swamp go down and suddenly I decided I would never live on a farm and I would never shower before checking out possible flood spots in the garden.
The clean, nail painted child inside me cried for about 5 seconds, before I embraced the filth I was dealing with and I am proud to say that every time some of that horrendous water splashed on my face or forearms, I died a little less inside. Up side? The power was back on and the Christmas lunch was a go!
New Years was supposed to be spent in the Algarve. We went to Lisbon first, which served for me to dislocate my shoulder and to show us that there was torrential weather in Portugal and even worse in the South.
The shoulder was fixed by an excellent Shiatsu practitioner, but I can safely say I have never had my fats prodded, poked and handled in such an unceremonious manner as I did that day. I must also say, that it was one of the most effective treatments I have ever received.
Now, upon realizing the South was having its very own Katrina, we decided to stay in Lisbon. And just as well. On NYE my left cheek swelled up, leaving me looking like a lop-sided chipmunk. Things got worse, the wisdomosity infection appeared to be spreading, the throat closing up and the only option was A&E.
Drugs and anti-inflammatories were handed out like sweeties and I was in bed on NYE at 7pm. Of course, we count our blessings, some people had more severe visits to A&E – inside which I do not only include alcoholic stupours.
Now we are done with the Christmas holiday period and can look forward to Easter. Yes, we are about 4 months away, but by now, we know how this thing works. As for the bumpy start to 2010, you know what they say: What starts with a struggle, ends well! And if this isn’t a saying, it ought to be. Happy 2010!
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